The Past Is Hard To Write about

For me, the past is so hard to write about, to search my mind for the events that took place so long ago.

I rightly think many times we have a mental block, to block out bad times that were in our past, to where we can get thru the present time better.

Thursday visiting my sister in the home, she is 62, I'm 58, her mind is fair at time, at other times its not very good at all, I asked Dixie if she had an image in her mind of what Betty Sue and Bobby Dean looked like. She said I can't remember their faces. I sure wish I had a face to go with them.

But thankfully I do have 4 or 5 pictures of my mother, one of her mother and father as well. I was so happy to get them, especially the one of mother.

I remember when I first visited my Uncle Lawrence Carter at Atkins, Arkansas. I would ask him questions about mother, he would try and answer them. Them all of sudden he said. Would you like to have a picture of your mother. Wow, what a moment that was, I had dreamed of finding out what mother looked like, but rightly thought that was something I would never know.

Of course I blurted out, "YES!" That was about all I could say at that moment.

His wife, my Aunt Dorothy went to find it, when she brought it back to me, all I could do for a few minutes was set looking at this picture of mother with tears coming from my eyes. For 50 something years I had dreamed of having a face to put on my mother, finally I had it, it was quite a moment in my life.

So many people fail to understand the emptiness in people such as I, or those who have been adopted out by their mothers, or for what ever reason separated from their parents at an early age.

There is an empty spot in us, for it is not natural not to have your mother and your father.

I had no idea I would think about that time I looked at that picture and for the first time would know the face of my mother.

I am going to go ahead an post this, but I may well come back and change it up just a bit, I can not go no further at this time.

But I want to end with this, it takes none of the love away that I have for the man and woman who raised me up and treated me only as one would treat their own child. They did give me a life, I thank God for them and the sacrifices they made for me.

May God Bless,
Jerry

My First Movie

Not long back while visiting my sister in the home she is in, she has quite a bit of mental problems, she brought up the trip to the movie, our very first movie.

I had told about this event to my wife Linda a long time back, she got a big kick out of it, hope you do to, and it did my heart good for Dixie to remember that Saturday night so long ago.

I will just tell about that night as I remember it. Like I said, this was our first movie, plus my life had been shaken up quite bad just recently.

It was one of those westerns in full color and John Wayne was in it and Richard Widmark, may have that last name misspelled.

Any way we were setting about half way down in the center. Now I had never seen nothing like this, probably had not even see a TV, and this was right after I was left at the Smiths by the Rivers and spend most all afternoon crying.

Anyway, the cowboys and Indians were on that big screen going ever which way, bullets were flying, arrows where flying, people were falling off of their horses dead, I got scared!

I leaned over an told Dixie, "Lets get out of here, I'm getting scared."

Of course she tells me, "Be quite, watch the movie."

Well the last thing I wanted to do was watch this movie and be quite, everyone was getting killed and it looked to me as if they were going to come right out on top of us and we had not where to hide nor run.

So a few minutes later I whispered to her, "Dixie, Lets get out of here, I'm sacred."

Of course again she tells me to be quite and watch the movie. Well I set there for a bit, them I could not stand it no more, I jump up and head out of that place just as fast as my 5 year old legs would carry me. I had no idea where I was going, but I knew I was getting out of there before it was to late. But when I got out the front of the movie theater and the sidewalk, I turn right and go running up the sidewalk on main street.

This was on a Saturday night, back in those day most ever one went to town on Saturday evening and the streets would be full of cars, and many people standing on the sidewalks visiting with one another catching up on what had happened in the past week.

Well as I run up the street, the woman I called mother, and her mother were setting in the car with the doors open.

Grandma saw me running up the street, and told mother, "Isn't that Jerry running up the street?"

Sure enough when she looked it was me, the man I called dad was standing out there talking to a man, mom hollered at him, "Kelsie, there goes Jerry running up the street, you had better catch him."

He looks around and sure enough it was me running like a streak of lighting up main street as fast as those short legs would carry me and I was suppose to be in the movie with Dixie.

Well dad takes off and it doesn't take him long to catch me. He picks me up and says, "Where in the world are you going?"

Well I look at him right straight in the eyes with a very serious look and say, "Dad, lets get out of here, there going to kill us."

Of course he asked who is going to kill us, I tell him, "Those cowboys and Indians on those horses in that building, there killing everyone in there, come on let go before they catch us and kill us!"

Them of course he realizes that I got scared and come running out of the theater.

But here not long back he while I was visiting Dixie, she says, "Why did you run out of the movie?"

At first I did not know what she was talking about, and rightly I did not expect her to even remember that night, so I asked her what movie.

That first movie we got to go see, the one that was in full color, she named the movie, who played in it.

Them I though for a moment, them said,, Dixie, are you talking about that one where I got real scared and told you lets get out of here?

She said, that's the one, why did you do that, I got in trouble because I was suppose to be watching you, but I was not about to leave, that was a good movie, what scared you?

Them I told her about what happened when dad caught me and picked me up.

I can just see myself, 5 years of age, dad caught me running up main street and I was scared out of my skin, running for my life, and I look him right in the eyes and say, "Dad, lets get out of here, there going to kill us."

Of course the only reason I remember what I said was because of the many times dad told me about that night, and he could not help but laugh when he would say, you had such a serious look on your face looking me straight in the eyes saying, "Dad, lets get out of here, there going to kill us."

I remember well, I was scared to death that night, but now I can look back on it as a precious memory, but the main thing was I had a man that cared about me and proved it over and over again thru out the years.

A man and woman brining a child in to this world don't make them a father or mother, what makes a father and mother is they love you, protect you, feed you, clothe you, and they never do nothing to you that will bring you any kind of harm, and they do not throw you away.

God blessed me, I finally had such a father and mother about the time I turned 5 years of age, and I have thanked God for them many times.

They were a real father and mother.

May God Bless,
Jerry

A Picture I Never Dreamed of Having

I uploaded the first picture that I have of me, It was taken about 30 days after I was put in the orphan home in 1948, I was just a bit over 20 months of age.

It contains 1 of 4 pictures I have of my brother E. W.,.

The man standing on the far right in the back row, I lived with him and his wife for a short time, his son is the 2nd on down from him, his name is James Rivers, I was fortunate, I found him last year and he sent me this picture. I would have never though I would have a picture of myself and my brother at this young age.

My brother E. W. is the first boy to the left on the front row, I'm the 6th one down from him.

After our mother, a sister, a brother died in a house fire, our birth father put us in this orphan home 30 days later, we were to much in his way, for he loved drinking and chasing wild woman, its hard for a man to do that and raise children.

I don't suppose I will ever understand how a man and or woman can give up there children, they have to have a very cold heart to do such a thing.

But, God took care of me, I finally had a mother who believe very much in the truth of this verse.

Joshua 24:15 "...but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD."

And that love was passed on to me, and the wife and I try our best to serve God faithful. Its amazing how anyone could have any doubt that this world was created by God and that Jesus Christ did die on the cross that we might have the promise of everlasting life in heaven when this life is over or when Jesus comes in the sky for His own.
May God Bless,
Jerry

Starting School

Today as I was working in the yard a bit, I was thinking back on when I started school and the first 6 years. They did not go to well for me, I suppose it was because of what happened in August 1951.

That was the day, this is the expression I use for it, Bro. Oley Rivers and his wife threw me away, much life my birth father had done by putting me and my brother E. W. in an orphan home 30 days after our mother, sister, and brother perished in a house fire.

I did not find out until just recently why this happened, I shall expand on that later.

But the Rivers having done this left me feeling rejected I suppose, but it did hurt me all the way down to the bottom of my heart. Here I had been living with them, had come to love them, trust them, them all of a sudden they are completely out of my life, the day that happened I suppose I cried more that day than any day in my life.

But here comes school, here I am starting the 1st grade. This did not set to well with me, I suppose I thought here we go again, now these people are going to get rid of me.

Regardless of what I thought, I had much trouble with school, in the 1st grade many days I would just set down and start crying. And it seems nothing would stop me until mom or dad came and got me. I don't know how many times they had to do this in the first 5 grades of school.

I often wonder if the teachers had any idea what I had been thru, for no doubt its effect was working on me.

But I never remember mom or day talking to me harsh about those days of having to come to school to get me, and it happened many times. I really think the teachers did not know how to deal with me on this.

What I think it was, I thought this was a way for the Smiths to get rid of me, so when I would think of this, and that day the Rivers got rid of me, I would just start crying and could not help my self.

The 5th grade was when I came out of this, and I think a lot of it had to do with my teacher that year, a Mrs. Boyd. I think she talked with mom and dad about this, and they told her a bit about me and my past.

For, when this would happen, she would take me out of the class room, or where ever it happened, and take me some where private, and hold me and talk with me, comfort me, them when I would settled down, she would take me back to our room.

Looking back on those first years, I do wonder what the other children thought about me and all those times when I would start crying and mom and or dad would come get me and carry me home.

But, during the 5th grade I did start coming out of it, and got much better, them in the 6th grade I did not miss one day of school, a miracle had happened I suppose. I was on my way to recovery.

I think what had happened, during that 5th years, is I finally realized that I could trust the man and woman I was calling mom and dad, that I did not have to worry, for ever day I would ride the bus home I knew that mom and grandma would be there for me, that they would never throw me away, never leave me, that I could trust them.

It makes me so mad when I hear people say, what happened to me when I was growing up is why I am this way, that is just an excuse, I have seen so many use this excuse. I have never use what my father did to me as an excuse to hurt anyone, or do any wrong, we make our own choices, what we do it because of the choices we make.

I talked to Bro. Oley's son about a year ago for the first time since all that took place many years ago. He spoke of how his dad said what a good thing he had done for me, not even ever knowing how much his dad hurt me that day, but he did not tell me the real reason for his dad doing this. He told me his dad did that so that I would grow up with my sister, that sounds honorable, but that was not the reason, that was not the truth.

Bro. Oley got fired as pastor of this church, had left me and his wife in the parsonage, and moved out of state. This was a big burden on her, she had no job, and here she was left with me in the parsonage of the church, her husband fired for adultery, and he goes off and leaves her. I feel assured that was an extremely tough time on her.

She and I moved in with her parents I think, Bro. Oley finally got in touch with her, they worked out a deal, he would come and get her, them take me to the Smiths, leave me there, them they would try to repair their marriage. So that is what they did, and yes they got back together. He had a job working, but pastured a church as well. Makes me wonder about him. Seems to me he was pretty cold hearted, how can a person do a child that way, just throw him out.

For you see, he was the superintend of the orphan home when I was put in there by my birth father, when he left the home to go pastor this church he and his wife carried me with them. But to the Smiths wanted to adopt both me and my sister, but no, he wanted me, him and his wife had grown so close to me that they could not do without me, them look at what he did to me, hurt me worse than I had already been hurt, and him a messenger for God. I wonder, if I had of been his real son, would he had still threw me away to give him and his wife a new start in life?

No, I have forgiven him for what he done to me just as I have my birth father, for one can not go thru life hating some one, it will eat your insides up. Forgiving someone for what they have done for you, many times does more good for you than it does for them.

And on March 22, 1970 when my daughter Jerri Lynn was born and I looked into those eyes, I was determined that she would never suffer the pain which I did, that her dad would never throw her away. And thanks be to God as my helper, I was never like my birth father nor Bro. Oley.

And it matters not what you have gone thru in life, how bad you have been hurt, if you will let God, He will help you to, and give you the strength not to do as the one who hurt you did.

A long time back in a speech, President Ronald Reagan said, the problems we face in this nation, this world, the answer to all of them is Jesus Christ and He is the only answer, I promise you, if you will let Jesus, he will help you thru any problem that you have or ever will have. I can tell you this from my own personal experience.

I wish I could put the words together better in this than I do, but this stuff is very personal and it is hard to write down, but I shall keep trying, in hope that maybe at least one person may get some help from my experience.
May God Bless,
Jerry

Where Will This Go

I have no idea where this blog will go, subject wise. But starting out I thinking about the life I have had for the past 58 years without my mother. For I lost her at the age of 20 months in a house fire, along with a brother just a bit older than I, Bobby Dean Davis, and a sister just a bit older than he, Betty Sue Davis.

Three of us survived, my older brother, E. W. Davis, my sister just a bit younger than he, Dixie Jo Davis, and me with the birth name of Gerald Leon Davis.

After this tragic event, my brother E. W. and I found our self in an orphan home 30 days after that great loss, Dixie lived with a family in our home town for about 6 months, them our birth father brought her to the orphan home.

I may explore much of this as I write within my blog day to day. But I have wondered so many times what life would have been like with mother. How it would feel to be held by her, hear her voice say my name, playing with her, just any of the normal things a son would do with his mother.

But I want complain, for God has taken good care of me, after that tragic event and another rough event that hurt me extremely bad, I found myself in a good home, which many youngster is such a situation never have.

I got to grow up calling a man dad, a woman mom, and her mother grandma, and they gave me very much love and took right good care of me, and treated me as their own.

Sometime back a few friend and I were setting at a coffee shop having a conversation about a friend of ours who has an adopted son, and this son had 2 children. He is divorced and had many trouble, one reason is he is slow. But one of the people setting there made the comment, I don't see why Wanda is so concerned about him and his children, after all they share no blood relations, so she can not love him as a true son, nor can she love those children as true grandchildren, why does she even have anything to do with them?

I was shocked to hear this friend make this comment, I did quickly inform them that I have some experience in this matter, I loved the man and woman I called mom and dad with all my heart, that love was returned to me by them, they made many sacrifices thru the years for me, I know they would not have made these sacrifices in life which they did, if there had been no love.

Anyway the conversation went on, but this person never would say, that a mother or father could loved an adopted son as they would a true son. Their opinion is, without a blood connection, there just cannot be real love.

Thinking back on 58 year, the woman I called mother having died in January 1991, the man I called father having died in December 1992, all the love we ever had for one another was true love, and I think it was proved day in and day out all the days that God shared these 2 people with me.

Of course, as I said at the start, I do not know how it would feel
to be held by my birth mother, hear her voice say my name, playing with her, just any of the normal things a son would do with his mother, it could not have been no different than what the woman I called mom expressed towards me many times, over and over again, it is that the woman I called mom had a different personality than my birth mother, and love me with all of her heart.

And I think in my heart, my birth mother, Elizabeth Carter Davis, would have been proud that this woman I called mother expressed so much love towards, when I was sick comforted me in her arms, when I needed advice would freely give it to me, when I needed correction she would correct me, shared many happy moments together, and hugged me with love when I was in need of love being expressed towards me. But even with all of that, I can not help but wonder what it would feel like to have grown up knowing my birth mothers love.

May the Lord Bless,
Jerry